When my first child was born, I was going to all the mom groups, I was buying all the things that everyone thought was popular for kids, that we didn't really need. I was on every leadership team at work to advance my career. But it wasn't truly making me happy. I was running to put out this image of the woman/mother/wife that can do it all. However, I still thought that more, would make me happier. If I got the new administrator job, if I got the new big house, if I had another baby; after that, then I would be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love my children with every depth of my soul, I love my job and how I support my students and staff each day, I love the family and home that my husband and I have developed together. But, I've been attached to the judgements that I believed these "things" meant that I "made it", that I could prove to everyone that I was not a screw up, that the career and academic achievements would make people believe that I was worthy. Which all really meant that I didn't believe that, simply being me was enough.
After my husband's health scare, it really helped me reevaluate what is really important to me. I was accepted into a Doctoral program, but it meant going deeper into debt and spending less time with my children, so I decided to not enroll. I had a previous colleague contact me about a district level position in a different district that was farther then where I'm currently working. It was a great opportunity to advance my career, but again it would mean more time away from the kids, extra stress and a farther commute (paying for more gas and car repairs). I stopped attending a mom's group, where some of the other women were at my house for an event and whispering about my home decorating, my husbands weight, my daughter having a sip of wine (I'm Italian for goodness sake, I was drinking my grandfathers wine at five years old) and just overall being rude and not true friends. So, I started journaling and using my oracle cards as journal prompts to really figure out what brings me joy outside of the judgements, expectations and others opinions.
When I thought about the judgements that I believed, it really came down to me thinking that the stuff, like the big house and the many degrees, are what made me special or worthy of other people's attention, time and friendship. But that totally wasn't true. Those "things" were masking who I truly was. Which could be why the friendships that I thought I had weren't authentic, because I wasn't being authentic. I needed to forgive myself to leaning into those beliefs and judgements. Those ideals were passed down from my family, from the groups that I thought I needed to be part of and from media, what is being projected that a women/mom/wife "should" be. I acknowledged that these ideals were part of my life, but that they do not need to continue to be what drives me. If I believed that stuff is what made me worthy and pretending to be something I really wasn't, was the only way that I could have friends, then the opposite should be more of the reality.
Me getting involved in activities that I enjoy (yoga, meditation and metaphysical things), sharing my knowledge and knowing that I do have a story to share that can help others and that I do not need to chase further accolades, spending time with my children and supporting them in what they want to do, instead of chasing the best picture or taking them to a bunch of places that they don't really want to go to, reading books that I choose, finding peace in nature and getting healthier by cutting out sugar/gluten and exercising more, will attract the people that truly want to engage with me, who like me for me and I don't have to pretend to something else.
This may isolate me from others who I previously interacted with, or others may question my choices. But, the more I can be me, the happier I will be. I release these past attachments and judgements and forgive my self for not being my authentic self.
Comments
Post a Comment