Loneliness

 

Loneliness has been consuming me lately. I think it started when I began my current job in a new school district. I left a school that I believed that I had many friends. I was able to talk freely, reciprocally share personal celebrations and challenges and go out socially with several of my staff members. When I chose to go to another school, I was very anxious about hurting people who I believed were my friends and somewhat abandoning them. I thought that the people that I was close to, would continue to be close, even if I moved to another school. However, that was far from the case. After leaving, communication, invitations and friendships abruptly ended. I was so very hurt, but I felt that was ultimately my own fault, because I left these people that I believed were my friends behind. With this experience, I've been a little more guarded with my current position. The boundaries of being a leader/boss do have to keep deeper connections at a minimal and friendliness is mainly the norm. So needless to say, I lost a big friend group that I depended on, because of my choices. 

My husband has been exceptionally distant. He is extremely busy with wrestling coaching. The high school wrestling season is from the beginning of November through the end of February, which is also when my seasonal depression is at its peek. He doesn't want to go anywhere as a couple, like for a date night, he only talks about wrestling, watches wrestling and is constantly looking at wrestling statistics on his computer. I feel very abandon with house chores, sharing my feelings and having other interests outside of wrestling. I should be used to this, he has been a coach for over 20 years and it is the same thing year after year, but this year, I'm just really over it. I want a partner that can multi-task and that can also find enjoyment with interactions with me, not just with wrestling. 

My children bring me joy everyday, but as they have grown older, they don't need me much anymore and they don't want to do the fun activities that we once did together. In the past, during winter break or on weekends we would go to local museums, crafty activities at the library or corny events around town. But now as a teen and pre-teen they like to sleep in, play on their phones and hang out with their friends as opposed to doing things with their mom. I completely understand this shift in their social development and their need to be more independent, but that leaves me again, alone. 

I was also part of a Moms group in my county where we would have events like pottery painting, mom's dinners, spa days and bunco. I was a regular at these events and would even host events at my house. One of the last events that I hosted, was very well attended and there were several regulars as well as new members. I love the opportunity to entertain and meet new people, so I thought it was a great day. However, afterwards my daughter and husband told me that they overheard several people, who I thought were my friends, talk about the tackiness of my home decorating, the blandness of the food that served and the problem they had with my parenting methods. The knowledge of this and the realization that these people that I thought were truly friends, never actually called me when my husband had a medical crisis or invited me over outside of the moms group events, or took me up on invitations I sent them to interact outside of group events. So another group of people that do not want a relationship with me. How much is that now?

Its really difficult to find adult friendships. There are opportunities to be social with the parents of your children's friends or couples friends, but to find authentic and lasting friendships is not as easy as you'd think. I've been trying to do activities on my own, like yoga classes, meditation events or even trying to plan getaways with my husband to look forward too. But I guess in the back of my head, I have a perception that because of all these rejections, people aren't interested in being friends with me and that I'm meant to be alone. I want friendship and connection, but am I blocking myself from being open to new friendships due to this attachment that I'm not friendship material. If all these other people do not want to interact with me, why would anyone else. So, its just easier to go through life alone, then apposed to constant emotional rollercoaster of having and losing.

In all actuality, this pattern has been happening since I was a child. Having groups of friends that I would interact with and share my emotions with, then those friendships would end. This was in Jr. High, High School and even in College with my Sorority.  Nothing in life is permanent, but it doesn't hurt any less. I have to find my new way, my new people, while also staying true to myself and what brings me joy. I always say, you never know where life will take us.