I have been dormant, in a hibernation of sorts, during most of February and March. I've felt quiet, unsocial and introspective, but I've learned a little more about myself and how I can be healthier physically and spiritually.
I hardly go to the doctor, but after my work with a nutritionist and subsequent determination of foods that cause intolerances within my body, I've also sought out even more professional help. I was having horrible cramps and irregular bleeding, even though I had an endometrial ablation four years prior. So I went and got checked out in January and my doctor confirmed that I had quite a few fibroids. It was determined that I would have a hysterotomy. I was glad, finally I would be done with the pain and overall gross feeling, not knowing when I would start bleeding and having bleeding accidents constantly. This March, during spring break, I finally had the hysterotomy. It was done laparoscopically with a robot. There was obvious pain when I urinated for the first few days. But what was really strange was the shoulder pain. The shoulder pain after surgery is caused by the carbon dioxide added to your body during the surgery. After surgery the bloating pushes on the diaphragm which irritates the phrenic nerve, causing shoulder pain. The shoulder pain was the absolute worst. I couldn't sleep and also had a hard time breathing in deep. But after two days the pain dissipated and felt a million times better. Its been five days since my surgery and I'm only slightly bothered by some abdominal pain and itching of the entry sites for the laparoscopy.
I'm going to go back to work on Monday. I am not in pain, I'm not tired and I can totally do what I need to do at work. I just need to not lift or walk too fast. My next follow-up appointment is April 4th and I should be all good to go.
Also during this quiet time of February and March is when I completed my yoga teacher training. This was something that I started right before my husband had his cardiac arrest. I put my interest and desire on hold for over six months. But during this time of loneliness and general winter inactivity, I started back with my on-line classes, submitted my instructional videos, attended further in-person yoga classes. I feel so very accomplished. But now, what do I do with this certification? Do I start my own yoga classes? What if no one comes? What if people think I'm weird? That is the next thing that I need to work though to determine what is next. I never felt this way when I started teaching. I was totally confident, felt comfortable around my students and knew the content I was teaching. I guess in this situation, I feel out of my general comfort zone and what people typically have expected of me. So I need to work through breaking through those predetermined identities and put myself first.
Another great opportunity that I took for myself was attending a meditation retreat. I'm constantly looking at women's retreats that I too far or too expensive, so I attended a retreat locally at Blue Lotus Buddhist Temple. It was a full day of quiet, reflection, fantastic food and connection to myself. I still feel guilty taking this time for myself, not engaging with my family or working around the house, but I've realized that I need these moments, I need the quiet for my mind to recharge and refocus.
I will always do whatever I can for my children and family, but as they are getting older, then do not need me in the same why that they've needed me when they were younger. I can have dirty dishes and dog hair on the floor for a few extra days until I'm more motivated. I need to put myself first, or I will just be resentful, angry and disconnected from my family and what brings me joy.
Devote - my word of the year. I need to re-devote myself to myself and commit to actions that bring me joy, bring me closer to my children, and focus on quality time with my husband (not just sitting on the couch scrolling through our phones). I will devote myself to my practice of yoga and meditation and determine how I will use my new understandings profitability and with purpose. I will devote myself to myself physically, spiritually and mentally.
The earth comes back to life in April - I too need to come back to life!!
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